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I’ve lost motivation. I haven’t shown much activity on here as of late, much less anywhere else in my life. My mind has reverted to thoughtless states of wander. I have thoughts, sure, but nothing substantial. Just momentary concepts that don’t last for very long before fog sets in.
I once said that when you’re depressed you focus on intricate details. Moments of vividity that otherwise wouldn’t matter to you at all, do. It’s been that way for sometime now.
About a month to be exact. But it wasn’t initially saddening. It actually began with an emotion I’ve not felt for a long time. At least not this potent.
On the 13th of August my mom got sick again. She was stricken with Pneumonia, and was medically sedated for about three or four days. The closest you can get to a coma. She finally woke up, progressively improving as each day went by. She’s much better now than she has been for over a year. I just talked with her on the phone earlier, if that’s any indication of her condition.
But for those first few days I was scared to death. We were completely unaware of her condition beforehand, and had no definite knowledge of what was to come.
Left in the dark with uncertainty is the most terrified I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I’ve experienced it plenty of times before, sure. But this was my mom. The most important person in this world to me.
I guess I’m entitled to personal tragedies from time to time. It isn’t as though I ever ask for them.
This should make me grow. To realize how special things in my life have become. my mother is in great health and continually improving each and every day. My once distant relationship with my sisters is now more positively structured than ever before.
I should be happy about this. I think I am.
But I still feel as though I’m at a standstill. I often have this mental and physical urge to perpetually stay in motion, to keep moving. To resist from standing still. It’s a restlessness that’s very seldom resolved.
I’m faced with the reality of mortality, and the direction in which my life has been taken. I must move forward, but I’m afraid of the change. The loneliness that’s inherited. It’s made me scared, and resentful.
But I should be happy. I’ve been blessed with many wonderful things this past four weeks. I’ve gained value in life again, regardless of my evolution into morbid cynicism.
It’s an unfortunate necessity in life to be sad, just as it is to be happy. That’s the condition of humanity.
My thoughts will come back, as is evident by this very post. I’m just….coping with things I suppose. In the only way I’ve ever known how to. By spending time inside my head.